The truth of the matter is, I want my life back. I really don't want a new life. I loved my old life. We were happy and very much in love. We were two odd ducks that belonged together. We didn't always act the way we should but we never stopped loving each other. We were married for 48 years and I miss him. I long to talk to my best friend. I hear him in my head and I know what he would say. But still...
It is that simple and that complicated. Tommy died and I didn't. Honestly, that isn't what I had in mind at all. I never thought much about death. We were young and then we weren't. In my mind, we would die together either in a car wreck or a plane crash. Whatever happened we would be together. We actually had this conversation several times in our life together. It didn't work out that way and I am mad. I am angry with Tommy for dying. I am mad at me for being alive without him with no plan to continue. I miss my old life and I want it back. And I can't have it. So here I am ten months after Tommy died and I am no closer to living than I was the day after he died. Each day I get up and think, 'ok world what are we gonna do today' and the world does not respond. I make a list of things I could do and then immediately throw the list away. Most people think I should have moved on and started living. I am trying. I am trying!! I have nothing that moves me. It is all 'busy work'. My short term memory sucks. If I did remember something it is gone by the next day. This odd condition is caused by 'grieving' and 'stress'. Two emotions that have their own agenda to run. There is a good chance I suffer from memory loss from the two long operations I had. The first was the double knee replacement. The other was when my right kidney was removed about two weeks after Tommy died. It was cancer. They got it all and I am on no meds for it. As it stands I am on cancers timetable. Hopefully, we will never meet again.
Am I having a pity party today? Probably. Do I care? Not one bit.
