Magic in the Sky...the Release of Condors from Captivity...

       I believe in the beauty that takes my breath away. I believe in love at first sight and miracles that happen more often than we notice.  I witnessed such a moment tonight as I watched a year old video of a female Condor being released into the wild after a life-saving twenty-two years in captivity.
      I probably watched the video fifteen times as I witnessed what I consider, a miracle. She was a huge raptor with a wingspan of ten feet. It seemed the color of her head was black with a large chocker of white feathers around her neck. The feathers on her massive wings appeared to be black with a touch of silver slipping in and out the black feathers almost the way a woman's hair slowly turns silver. Subtle, but there in the mixture. The Condor did not know what to do. She looked at the massive expanse of canyons in Utah. Hesitating, she turned and looked at the crowd. There were probably a lot of faces she recognized.  She was unsure and tense. The crowd could feel it as well as the video viewers. Something seemed wrong to her. Then she saw other Condors soaring around and through the canyon.  She flapped her wings, flexed her muscles, wanting to fly but changed her mind. She was still unsure what freedom looked or felt like. Her gaze returned to the canyon. She looked it over from top to bottom and from side to side. She wanted to fly but was unsure and afraid. Again she turned to the crowd and scanned the people perhaps asking permission to do the unthinkable. I do not know if she found what she was looking for. She turned once again and repeated the take-off process. Once again she spread her huge wings and for a split second, I thought she would fly. Not this time but soon. The crowd and viewers became as tense as the Condor. No one knew what to do. The ball was in the Condor's court. She was the one calling the shots and the one who had to make the play.  Finally, with all the excitement and courage she could muster she stepped off the huge cliff and flew. She didn't just fly, she soared up, over and through the canyon and the sky. She was in her element and she liked it. It was an amazing sight to see. I wish I could have been there in person but I am easy going.  I take what I can get and enjoy to the maximum. This was a remarkable video. I want to thank Paul Chamberlain in England for always adding this magic to the pot from his side of the pond. Thank you, my friend

     
   
                                             

It Has Been a Long Time Coming...

      Tommy died fifteen months and ten days ago. My mind and my heart followed him to the grave. We were married 48 years and I loved him with all my being. With his death, everything in my life changed.  Where I lived, what I ate, how I ate, my income, my health, my friends, my church, my doctors, even my weight. I lost fifty pounds. Everything in my life changed in a matter of days and weeks. I did not want any of the new changes...except the weight. However, I can think of better ways to lose weight.  I was in a 'fog'.  I call it 'brain dead'.  This is a term used for widows who cannot retain a memory or thought for any length of time.  It is as real as cancer and almost as deadly.  I have very few memories of the funeral. I do not know who was there. I am thankful for all who attended. Tommy was loved by many people.  I have very few memories of the following year. I hear the girls talk and I ask them if I was there.  Usually, they say 'yes'.  It is all news to me. 
    Two weeks after Tommy died I had my right kidney removed due to cancer.  I do not know what hospital I was in.  Nor do I know my doctor's name. The only memory I have of him is that in my mind he looked like Kurt Russell.  I have no clue if he did or not.  I was also in the room with a mean Russian lady.  I wouldn't bet on that one either.  I had a year of Octobers and every day was Friday... and I drove a car in this condition. I picked out a place to live in Fulton and moved in.  I do not remember finding the house. But I do remember moving...sort of.  
    My short term memory is getting better.  My long term memory is normal except for the last two years. They remain sketchy on a good day and are absent on a bad day.  Jesus and my sense of humor have helped me get to where I am today.  I would not want to live without either one.  I am forever indebted to my family and friends. They stepped up and helped me when I could not help myself. 
   I miss reading and music. I can not concentrate long enough to read a book and music makes me cry.  However, I can laugh again. If I had to pick between the four loves missing in my life, I would pick laughter and writing. I am so glad they are back.  I think as I heal the other two loves will fall into place again. 
   When I started this post tonight, what I thought and what I wrote are two different blogs. This blog is more serious than the one I intended to write. I guess that blog will want to be written on another day or night.  I have missed you all.  Much love to all...good night.

The First Ten Months...Part 1

Tommy died ten months ago. I still have no plan for a life without him. I try to create scenarios where I make some sort of plan. It fails miserably, or I forget from one day to the next what my plan of attack for life was supposed to be. So I make a new plan and repeat the process all over again. 
 The truth of the matter is, I want my life back. I really don't want a new life.  I loved my old life. We were happy and very much in love. We were two odd ducks that belonged together. We didn't always act the way we should but we never stopped loving each other. We were married for  48 years and I miss him.  I long to talk to my best friend. I hear him in my head and I know what he would say.  But still...
   It is that simple and that complicated. Tommy died and I didn't.  Honestly, that isn't what I had in mind at all.  I never thought much about death.  We were young and then we weren't.  In my mind, we would die together either in a car wreck or a plane crash. Whatever happened we would be together. We actually had this conversation several times in our life together.  It didn't work out that way and I am mad.  I am angry with Tommy for dying.  I am mad at me for being alive without him with no plan to continue. I miss my old life and I want it back.  And I can't have it. So here I am ten months after Tommy died and I am no closer to living than I was the day after he died. Each day I get up and think, 'ok world what are we gonna do today' and the world does not respond. I make a list of things I could do and then immediately throw the list away.  Most people think I should have moved on and started living.  I am trying. I am trying!! I have nothing that moves me.  It is all 'busy work'.  My short term memory sucks. If I did remember something it is gone by the next day. This odd condition is caused by 'grieving' and 'stress'. Two emotions that have their own agenda to run. There is a good chance I suffer from memory loss from the two long operations I had. The first was the double knee replacement. The other was when my right kidney was removed about two weeks after Tommy died. It was cancer. They got it all and I am on no meds for it. As it stands I am on cancers timetable. Hopefully, we will never meet again. 
   Am I having a pity party today?  Probably. Do I care?  Not one bit. 

Welcome 2019...

   As I write this I am drinking my second cup of coffee in 2019. I am enjoying talking to the early bird risers on FaceBook. I took a quick look at the weather and news. Both could be a whole lot better. I didn't make any New Year's Resolutions last night. I don't think I have ever done this before in my life. I could not think of anything. All I know for sure--I want a new life. A better happy life. My priorities have changed a lot in this past year. We shall see how that plays out in real life. It is the first time in my life that I am only responsible for me. If I don't do it---then it doesn't get done. I am responsible for me and only me. That is kind of a scary thought coming from a woman who had eleven months of "October and one month of December and all 365 days were Friday." The good news I know it is January 1,2019. As for what day of the week it really is? let us say I don't think it is Friday but I wouldn't want to bet my Social Security on the other six days.
  I wanted to touch base with everyone. Thank you for your support this past year. Thank you for standing in the gap for me when I couldn't hold two thoughts together. I have never in my life been this broken. I feel like a jigsaw puzzle that is missing a few pieces. Nothing fits. But that will change with time and I do believe it will happen in 2019. Being willing to accept what cannot be changed is the beginning of healing. 
  I want to thank my daughters, grandchildren, Becky, Darla, Joanie and Barbara and all my friends from long ago. I love you all and am so blessed to have you in my life. I also want to thank all my FaceBook friends that I have built a strong relationship with over these past years. We have never met in person but you probably know me better than my neighbors do and half my family.  I love you all and you are vital to me.  And so important in my life I count on you. When I count my blessings I count you all twice. Here's hoping the New Year is kind to all of us. That we open ourselves to new adventures and new ways to see the old world.  Much love to all, Vicky