It Has Been a Long Time Coming...

      Tommy died fifteen months and ten days ago. My mind and my heart followed him to the grave. We were married 48 years and I loved him with all my being. With his death, everything in my life changed.  Where I lived, what I ate, how I ate, my income, my health, my friends, my church, my doctors, even my weight. I lost fifty pounds. Everything in my life changed in a matter of days and weeks. I did not want any of the new changes...except the weight. However, I can think of better ways to lose weight.  I was in a 'fog'.  I call it 'brain dead'.  This is a term used for widows who cannot retain a memory or thought for any length of time.  It is as real as cancer and almost as deadly.  I have very few memories of the funeral. I do not know who was there. I am thankful for all who attended. Tommy was loved by many people.  I have very few memories of the following year. I hear the girls talk and I ask them if I was there.  Usually, they say 'yes'.  It is all news to me. 
    Two weeks after Tommy died I had my right kidney removed due to cancer.  I do not know what hospital I was in.  Nor do I know my doctor's name. The only memory I have of him is that in my mind he looked like Kurt Russell.  I have no clue if he did or not.  I was also in the room with a mean Russian lady.  I wouldn't bet on that one either.  I had a year of Octobers and every day was Friday... and I drove a car in this condition. I picked out a place to live in Fulton and moved in.  I do not remember finding the house. But I do remember moving...sort of.  
    My short term memory is getting better.  My long term memory is normal except for the last two years. They remain sketchy on a good day and are absent on a bad day.  Jesus and my sense of humor have helped me get to where I am today.  I would not want to live without either one.  I am forever indebted to my family and friends. They stepped up and helped me when I could not help myself. 
   I miss reading and music. I can not concentrate long enough to read a book and music makes me cry.  However, I can laugh again. If I had to pick between the four loves missing in my life, I would pick laughter and writing. I am so glad they are back.  I think as I heal the other two loves will fall into place again. 
   When I started this post tonight, what I thought and what I wrote are two different blogs. This blog is more serious than the one I intended to write. I guess that blog will want to be written on another day or night.  I have missed you all.  Much love to all...good night.