When I had a double knee replacement I had several rough days. However, not everything that happened in the hospital was a bad memory by any means. I had a supportive family and friends who were there regardless of the weather or obligations.
One of my best friends, Becky Doerflinger, came to visit me twice while I was in the hospital. The second time Becky visited was two days after my drug allergic psychosis. I was better by then but not 100%. Becky knew nothing about what had happened and that was the way I wanted it.
Becky and I met at the mental hospital where we both worked back in 1999. We hit it off immediately. We both shared a love of art, writing, and a great sense of humor. In my opinion, Becky could have easily walked off the page of a Charlotte Bronte novel or poem. She is a person blessed with an 'old soul'. She can transport people to other times and places with the whim of a good idea. I think that is a rare quality few people have. Those who have it and share their uniqueness with others are blessed in a thousand different ways. Becky's old soul has made my life better many times.
Since we both worked 11-7 shift and had different days off; it was not unusual for Becky to call me at 1:30 a.m. and want to know if I would like to come out to her house for a tea party on my 2 a.m. break.
Becky reintroduced me to tea parties as an adult. She also helped bring back the magic I enjoyed as a little girl when I created fairy gardens all over my grandmother's back yard and had tea parties of my own with the faeries. I always jumped at the chance to spend my break at Becky's house. It was a great stress reliever. Each party was different. Never once did we have two parties with the same theme. My favorite party was held outside her home in her flower garden. It was early summer. She had lights scattered all over her beautiful yard. The smell of roses, lilacs, peonies, and flowers I never knew the names filled the air with a rich aroma of Mother Nature. There was a full moon and the added light was the perfect touch. A full moon in a mental hospital is usually anything but 'perfect'. More fights happen during a full moon than at any other time. Everyone is restless, including the staff. To be able to walk into another environment was wonderful and a great escape. I could feel the anxiety leave as I walked toward the garden.
Becky had a table set with a white lace tablecloth covering it from one end to the other. Candles were scattered among the dishes on the table. The teapot was sitting close to where Becky would serve. Small sandwiches and little cakes nestled in the midst of tea cups, plates and napkins. Everything was delicious and it was such fun to laugh and talk about things that did not matter. Usually she had a radio playing. I could stay about forty minutes. That forty minutes changed my night. I would return to work in a better mood and with a touch of magic on my shoulder. When you work in a mental hospital for the criminally insane, a touch of magic on the shoulder is always a plus.
While I was in the hospital recently, Becky came in one night pushing a cart filled with glass cups,china plates, knives, forks and the most beautiful teapot I had ever seen. She was laughing and so happy. I was scared crazy. I still thought I was on a locked ward and everything Becky had with her was against the rules. We were in deep dodo!! While I was glad to see her, I kept asking her if she had permission to do this. She assured me everything was fine. I kept having flashbacks when the ward resembled the "Killing Fields" a few days ago.
Becky poured the tea and I picked up a beautiful Christmas cookie. I had no appetite. Looking at food made me sick to my stomach. I drank the tea but did not touch the cookie. That in itself tells how sick I was because I never pass on a pretty cookie!
I kept questioning Becky about the china and knives. I knew we were about to be locked in seclusion if a nurse walked in. Finally I told Becky what had happened. She was surprised to hear what I had to say but she understood completely. She had seen it before. We had a good long talk and then she gave me the teapot. In a few months she will be moving to California and she wanted me to have it. It has a special place in my mother's china cabinet. Maybe some day I can have a tea party for my grandchildren.
All summer and fall I read everything I could get my hands on concerning my soon to be bilateral knee replacement surgery. I was sure there was nothing left to chance and I was as prepared as anyone could be for the operation. It was scheduled for Wednesday Dec.14,2016. I was sooo wrong.
Luckily, I was the first patient on the docket and for the next four days I knew nothing. Tommy and Tami said I woke up some and talked to them but I do not remember anything.
On the fifth day I was discharged to a rehab center. I vaguely remember the ride over and entering the facility. I had been taking a large amount of drugs to keep the pain at bay. Somewhere in those five days, the medicine became too strong for me and I began to hallucinate. I could no longer tell what was real and what was not. I didn't tell anyone because I did not know what was going on. Hallucinations became my new normal.
Tommy stayed with me during the day. Tami was in and out all the time. I trusted them but wouldn't tell them anything. I was afraid someone would hear what I was saying. I had no plan and could not stay awake long enough to make a plan. I swore the staff was not feeding me. Later I found out they were, I just refused to eat.
My room was across from the nurses station so I could hear everything that was NOT being said. I knew they had a hidden intercom in my room. I could hear it click off and on.They were listening to me. That was when I became quite and covered my head under my blankets. I needed to be invisible. Eventually, I cracked my door open, or thought I did, and saw an entire new staff working. I have a vivid picture of each person that 'worked' that night and none of them existed. I remember their voices, their laughs and yet not one person existed except in my mind. I heard the screams as people were beaten and raped. I heard the man next door beg for his life. I also heard when he died.
At 4 a.m. I called Tommy at home and asked him to come get me. He was awake and answered on the second ring. He said he felt all night something was wrong with me. He begged me to tell him what was going on. I said I would tell him when he got here and then mentioned people had been murdered and raped and he needed to be careful once he arrived. He was speechless. The ice covered roads were horrible and it took him twice as long to get to the hospital. I heard staff talking about the dead bodies. One man said there were at least two. The nurse said,"Don't worry, I will take care of everything."
Eventually the night ended. The sun began to rise and shine through my bedroom window. For the first time all night, I thought I would live.
When the charge nurse and Tommy walked through my door I literally crawled up Tommy. He held me so tight and just let me cry. He wanted to know what had happened to me. I was whispering in his ear that I couldn't talk while the nurse was in the room with us. "She was one of them!"
The nurse kept trying to find out what was going on. Apparently, during the night I also called someone and told them I wanted to be discharged in the morning. I have no clue if this is true or not. Anyway, I kept Tommy between me and the nurse and refused to say anything. We looked like we were playing an awkward game of 'Ring around the Roses' or 'Keep Away.'
Finally the nurse left to call the doctor and they decided to cut my medication in half. I would only take it on a PRN basis. The less medication I took, the clearer my mind became. However, my hallucinations seemed so real. Most of what happened I can't remember in detail but it is still in there somewhere; like a shadow, close but just out of reach; dark and out of proportion.
I talked to several people about what happened to me and about how real it felt, even though I knew it was the medication -it felt real. I saw the people and I heard the voices. Nurses talked to me and explained that not everyone can take the same medication. What happened to me is fairly common. The patient just has to ride the trip out. It took me about three days for the medication to leave my system. Slowly, I began to piece some of my hallucinations and reality into a viable answer. The 'poolroom' and nightly drug deals turned out to be aides stacking chairs for the next morning. I wasn't hearing a break in the balls on the nonexistent pool table as fights broke out over drugs. Things returned to normal in my mind.
I worked with the criminally insane for over twenty years. I sat with patients who were terrified of the demons who lunged at them in the dark. The staff took care of each and every patient as best we could. Their demons were real to them and no amount of medication could make them leave. At times it would let them sleep but when they woke up they were back in the same mess.I have a new empathy for these unfortunate people. It would be horrible to loose permanent touch with reality. Some patients recovered enough to return to the community, others will never leave their walled environment.
I remember when I worked at the hospital, I always was checking to make sure I had my keys. That is also one of the things I kept doing while I was hallucinating, I kept trying to find my keys. I had no pockets and was not on a locked ward. But in my mind I was. I was in rehab for knee surgery. So were most people in my section of the center. Thank God for that.
I made it home for Christmas Eve. I am doing great. I continue to go to physical therapy at a closer facility. I can walk on my own and am healing nicely. Thank you all for the cards, flowers and prayers.
