When Tommy and I arrived at the Missouri State Penitentiary yesterday, I was as excited as any little girl would be on Christmas Eve. Unusual people and places grab my attention. They always have. I was an only child and had an imaginary friend named Billy. I lived in my imagination. That is how I grew up. Apparently, nothing has changed. That fact may be one of many reasons I am in therapy.
Yesterday, as the tour began, we took a seat while our tour guide gave us the run down on what all we would see. He knew former corrections officers were in the group. He asked the group to raise their hands if anyone one worked at MSP and to state their jobs. Three men raised their hands. Two of them said, "Corrections Officer" the third said, "Convict". I knew right then it was going to be a good day. I looked at the man, laughed and said, "Really???". He laughed and said "Really". We were talking earlier, in the bookstore, about the paintings some of the inmates created
We all stood to begin our tour. The convict lined up with Tommy and me. I was delighted. I knew he would have stories to share and I wanted to hear them all. He also gave me permission to write a blog about our day and I could use any photos I had taken. In turn I bought his book. It is titled, "St. Louis and Southern Illinois Crime". Love it. I am still the little girl that collected or stole the "Wanted Posters" from the Post Office when I was a little girl. This was a perfect day for me.
I was surprised how huge the 'housing units' were and also how dirty the place was. Of course it was built in 1836 and closed in 2004. It opened the same year as the battle at the Alamo was fought. States west of the Missouri line did not exist. The prison is rough, rugged and still standing. Everything was made of rock and iron. The housing unit we were seeing is where our friend, Jim "Jelly Roll" Cochran lived for a while. He said, "The first time I was here," he was on the second tier. Of course 'first time' caught my attention. He said he was at MSP three different times. He missed going to Alcatraz by one month. They closed it before he got there. He was also in Leavenworth. I laughed and told him that what ever he did he wasn't very good at it. He laughed and said. 'I was a bank robber...and no I wasn't very good. But I sure did like the money.' He also said he robbed grocery stores in Jefferson City for his first run in with the law. Jim missed the riot at MSP, but he did get in on the clean up. I think he said he lived in East St. Louis. That is still a rough area to grow up in.
We stayed on the first tier. We were allowed to roam in and out of the cells. They were incredibly small. When the prison was most overcrowded, they had six men in a cell. The cells were so small, I can not fathom where these six men slept.Tommy said they probably took turns sleeping. It was also cold in the building. The dungeon was down stairs. They took us in this place and turned out the lights. I could not see my hand in front of my face. One man supposedly was sentenced to the dungeon for 18 years. He was only allowed out of his cell to shower and that was twice a week. I don't know what kept him from going insane or blind. He had straw for a bed and one blanket. Two buckets, one full of water and the other one was his toilet. There is some debate about the length of time he served in this madness. When he was released he wrote a book about his incarceration. I personally have some doubts about this story. I think it is based on a truth just not the whole truth. Jim didn't believe it, neither did Tommy.
Originally, people sentenced to death were taken to downtown Jefferson City and hung in the town square by the sheriff. In 1937 Gov. Stark signed a bill calling for the death penalty to be by lethal gas. Between 1937-1989, forty inmates were put to death in the gas chamber. That was the last place we visited. We walked down a path to a small building where a white cross was embedded in the rock walkway. It was made by an inmate. We were allowed in the building and could have our photos made while sitting in the gas chamber chairs. There were two of them side by side. A huge window gives spectators a view of the execution from the side and a little behind the convicted felons. Our tour guide told us to remember that 40 people had died here and to be respectful. Several people had their photos made. Tommy and I were two of them. As I think about it, I have no clue why we would want to do this. It just seemed like a good idea at the time.
Soon our tour was over and we all went our separate ways. Jim, Tommy and I walked back to our cars. Jim gave me his book and signed it" To Vicky Carter from Jim 'Jelly Roll' Cochran." He made a note in the book to the articles that pertained to him. He was funny and very gracious. We thoroughly enjoyed meeting him.
He is 72 and married. He goes to church and meets up with his buddies once a week for breakfast. Oh to be a fly on the wall at that breakfast table. I bet the stories are priceless.
Below are a few photos I took at MSP.
This year has taken its toll on me mentally. I have never faced as much fear, anger, rage and loss of control as I have this past year. All of that was new and scary to me. I had stockpiled my mind with years and years of less that perfect life choices and unmanageable people. Instead of facing the problems head on, I compartmentalized my mind and would visit these people, events and mentally relive it all over again. I would make different decisions in how I should have handled something that no longer needed to be handled. The past can not be changed. That is why it is called 'the past'. It is gone. Done. The time to change situations is no longer on the table. However, that is the way I thought for most of my life. It is a dangerous way to live mentally. Sooner or later, what you are dwelling on will come out and slap you in the face at the most unusual time. I know it happened to me. I ended up in therapy, a place I never ever expected to need. Honestly, looking back over my life, I needed a therapists years and years ago. I would talk to my best friends. I have been blessed with many who listened. We tried to help each other and we did. I think everyone needs a best friend outside of their marriage. I always had one. When Carol died, after we retied, I no longer had the chance or the will to make a best friend. I had Tommy and I thought that was enough. It wasn't. I needed a female best friend who understands the way women think. Tommy is an amazing partner however men and women do not think alike. . . or at least we don't.
That is how I ended up in therapy. I am paying good money for a "best friend" who listens and gives me truthful insight into my life and mind. The one thing Nancy says over and over, "Stay in the moment. Keep you mind in the here and now." I call it,"wandering off the reservation." It is a mental challenge every day. I really am not wired that way. I told her that yesterday. She said none of us are. I work on that daily. We have choices in that area. The choices are sneaky. They keep trying to go back to my old way of thinking. Truthfully, they often succeed.
Nancy gave me a reading list about "mindfulness", living life in the moment. I purchased six books. I have read half of one book. It is a good, informative book entitled, "Wherever You Go There You Are" written by Jon Kabat- Zinn. It is an easy book to read but reprogramming my mind is so much harder that I thought it would be. And truthfully, it sounded hard to me when I read the list.
I have returned to painting, it is something I do where I have to stay focused. It helps and I am enjoying one of my old loves again. Writing has been more difficult. The blog I wrote earlier this week was like planting a garden with a three blade push tiller. The harder I pushed, the deeper the dirt. This is the blog that wanted to be written. I didn't want to write it. So my muse and I were at a standstill. In fact, when I sat down to write today, this is not what I intended to write. However, it was what I needed to say.
If there is anyone reading this blog that feels overwhelmed with life and loosing control. My recommendations are find a therapists you can talk to, also find a church. I haven't gone to church yet. That is the next thing to do. I am going back to my old church. It is where I should have been going all the time.
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, enjoy your family and friends. Immerse yourself in the moment of Thanksgiving. Much love to all. Vicky
I am delighted with our new to us Subaru Outback. I did have to order a manual for it, because this car has more bells and whistles than any car we have ever owned. We have 'fog lights'. . .who knew??
I have driven 'my' car four times. Since retirement, Tommy and I go everywhere together. He always drives because he hates the way I drive. We retired in 2009 and I have been behind the wheel very little. The other day, I had an appointment and Tommy did not feel like going so I drove myself. It felt great to be behind the wheel. Everything was great until I tried to get on I-70. This interstate has been taken over by eighteen wheeler's. I waited for an opening on a ramp, while traffic flew by me at the speed of light. Finally, I see an opening and I am in there in a flash. I was doing 70 when I merged onto the highway. Within a few seconds I was surrounded by three eighteen wheeler's. One was in front, the second was beside me and the third one was trying hard to jump in my back seat. We raced along for a few minutes. The guy behind me closed in a little more. I had nowhere to go. There was no way I could cut off the truck beside me and pass the one in front of me. That is what the trucker behind me wanted but I refused. As far as I was concerned he could switch lanes and push the other eighteen wheeler and see how far he would get. My exit was coming up and Mama was staying put. My exit could not get there soon enough. I turned on my exit signal and the trucker blared down on his horn. I didn't care. He was off my wazoo and I was on my way to Kingdom City. I tried to turn off my signal and my windshield wipers came on. It wasn't raining!! I finally got the wipers off. I was ready to get off the road for a few minutes.
I looked at the gas tank and decided to fill up and get a cup of coffee. I pulled in by the pumps, got out to add fuel and there was no gas flap. I walked around the car and there it was on the right hand side. I had never noticed that. So I pull out and around the tanks. I get out of the car and there still is no gas tank. So I get back in the car and make a huge loop in the parking lot and came in on the left side of the pumps. I think I got a standing ovation when my car and pump lined up and I began to put in the gas. I felt like an idiot. . .I looked like an idiot. Did I care? Not really! There wasn't one person I knew within sight. They were laughing their wazoo off at my mistakes. So was I!! Who cares? I certainly didn't. I took a bow and got in my car and off I drove to have a new adventure.
I turned on the temperature and had to wrestle with the controls to get the air conditioner off and the heat on. I didn't do it exactly right. I had heat on my side and in my seat. However, the passenger side was blowing cool air. I needed to look that up when I get home. Now I know what to do...I think. I drove all over the place. I went to Mexico and back to Fulton. It was a nice day to be out and about. I have a few more things to learn about my car. There a four buttons down low on the left side. I need to find out what they do. I found my cell phone charger and hidden compartments in the back area. I started to open my sunroof but chickened out. I will try that one at home. Needless to say I love this car. I need to drive it more so I can get used to it.
The next time we go to the V.A. I am driving. Tommy will not care for this idea I am sure. That is ok he will get over it especially after they stick needles in his ears for acupuncture. I will be so glad when he is well and really enjoying our life together again.
