Getting Adjusted to Living Alone...

  Good morning world.Since Tommy's death and my surgery I have had a horrible time with my memory. Two and a half months later. I am better but the memory part isn't 100% yet...however it is improving and I can remember things now. After his death, I could not hold a single thought in my head for more than a few seconds. We were all getting worried. I asked the same questions over and over. I forgot the answer almost immediately. We were all worried that I might not get better. My doctor told me that I was in shock and my mind had held all the stress it could hold. It was shutting down for my brain's protection. I am 70% better. I still forget things at times but no where near as much as before. These past two months have had some scary days.
   The same week I moved into my rental home I purchased all new furniture. There were many special items I brought from home but for the most part, I wanted a place of my own. Tommy is everywhere in the new house, however, when you walk into my home you know it is mine. Our home we shared since 1978 was our home. When anyone walked into our home, you knew it was Tommy and Vicky's home. The only furniture I brought from home was my writing desk, recliner and the futon we purchased the last year before Tommy died. Many a night he slept in his recliner and I slept on the futon because it hurt him to lay down. The eagle picture was started by Tommy for a Christmas present for Melodi or Logan. He never finished it and never decided who he wanted to have it. 
  I purchased two new area rugs for the living room and my piece of home--the art room, as it has come to be called. 

  It is also the room where I spend most of my time. Either there or on the front porch. I love having a porch again. The walls are a tan/ brown color. My camera always adds too much yellow to the photos.

  
  I thought I would spend most of my time in the living room. It is exactly what I wanted and I love it. I find myself in the art room, especially at night. I have Netflix on my computer and I spend a good portion of my time in there watching "The Ranch",
with Sam Elliott and Debra Winger. Below is a photo of the living room. 

On the wall opposite the sofas above is the fireplace/bookcase and t.v. stand. I purchased this while Tami and Melodi were here and fifteen minutes later I did not remember buying it. In fact, I still do not remember, I am thrilled I liked it when it arrived. 

Yesterday a pair of Cardinals landed in my front yard. Tommy dropped by to let me know he was fine and he missed me. I hear him talk all the time in my head. It is comforting---he still cracks me up. I don't know if it is him or my imagination. However, I knew him so well, I knew what he would say at times. When you miss someone you loved, you take what you can get.

The House Next Door...

   Yesterday was a big day for me. I picked up the keys to my rental home. It will be the first time in my life I have ever lived alone. In this day and age it is almost unheard of but remember I got married in 1969. I went straight from my parents to Tommy. I am really not sure how I feel about this house. What I want, I can't have so this is my next best option.
   I like my little house. Of course, I haven't moved in yet. It is convenient. It is in close walking distance to the brick district. I have a front and back porch.  It can be mowed with a push mower so that is all a plus. I can have fun making my backyard pretty.  While standing outside, I heard a rooster crow. I thought that was odd. I didn't see any chickens and I am in the downtown part of Fulton. I waited a little longer to see if the rooster crowed again. Nothing happened. I chalked it up to an overactive imagination and turned around to check out the front yard. It is very small and that is great. About that time the rooster crowed again. It sounded like it was coming from the condemned house next door to me. My landlady was still touching up some places with paint. I asked her if the house next door was vacant or had been condemned by the city. She said, "Yes". I was relieved and told her about the rooster. She stopped what she was doing and said something to the effect of, 'that crazy man is back.' I immediately wanted to know 'what crazy man' and how could he live in a home literally falling in and does the rooster belong to him???  She shrugged it off with a 'mmmm yes'. I swear I heard Tommy laugh!!! In fact, I heard Tommy laugh for several minutes while I mosey over and peek at the house next door. I didn't get too close to the house. I noticed some of the dead branches from "the crazy man's' tree are laying on my roof. To be continued as soon as Tommy quits laughing, the rooster quits crowing and I get my nerve up to move in.

Just Walking Each Other Home. . .

  I did not intend to write a blog any time soon, if ever again. However, this blog has evolved over several nights. I think it wants to be written.
  Tommy and I were freshmen in high school.The year was probably 1963. He was sitting behind me in Mrs. Walker's English and Literature class. We were studying Literature at that time. I always had a love for poetry. We were studying the works of Edna St. Vincent Millay. As usual, I was not prepared for class. When we read the poem aloud, I was visibly shocked by how calm the mother talked to her children and in the last line I understood how broken the mother's heart happened to be. I turned around, talking to Tommy about it. Mrs. Walker immediately wanted to know what we were sharing. I told her the truth and how the poem felt like it cut through my heart. She smiled. Mrs. Walker knew I had learned a life lesson about empathy. Tommy and I mentioned this several times in our life together. 

               Lament
   
          Listen children:
          Your father is dead.
          From his old coats
          I'll make you little jackets:
          I'll make you little trousers
          From his old pants.
          There'll be in his pockets
          Things he used to put there,
          Keys and pennies 
          Covered with tobacco;
          Dan shall have the pennies
          To save in his bank.
          Anne shall have the keys
          To make a pretty noise with.
          Life must go on,
          And the dead be forgotten;
          Life must go on,
          Though good men die;
          Anne, eat your breakfast;
          Dan, take your medicine;
          Life must go on;
          I forgot just why.

    Tommy and I often misquoted this poem throughout our life together. He will never be forgotten that is a promise I can make and have made a thousand times or more.          

This Has Been an Odd Week---Even for Us!

 This has been an odd week and for us, that is unusual, because we do odd on a daily basis most weeks.
 The toe to the left is my accident I had on Saturday morning. I was carrying wood into the living room. I was in a hurry to get the wood in the house. Instead of carrying it with both arms, I had one piece in each hand. They were heavy, round and I was not watching what I was doing. As I walked around my recliner, the piece of wood in my left hand slipped out of my grasp and landed full force on my big toe. I dropped to the floor and yelled like a little girl, a very colorful little girl. I woke Tommy up and he thought I had hurt my knees again. One look at the toe and I knew we were going to the emergency room and have my toenail removed. My feet are my Achilles Heel--no pun intended. I cannot stand for anyone to touch my feet; especially grab my big toe. I yell and carry on something terrible when Tommy grabs my toe! When Tommy turns it loose war has been declared. It is all in fun but this time was different. Tommy said we need to go to the emergency room. I played like I didn't hear him. He said it again. This is how he does me when I am trying my best to get him to the emergency room. I know exactly how he feels. I wait for two hours before I decide we need to go to the hospital. Blood is everywhere. We get that mess cleaned up. I don't care how I look. I just want to get this over---without needles. Fat chance of that.

   Tommy is in the bathroom, and I decide to feed Sabella before we go. I hobble out to the garage, fill the dog bowls and look around for a minute. Stuff is knocked over and out of place. I look behind a piece of plywood stacked up and there is the sickest mangiest coyote I have ever seen. We just looked at each other. Neither one of us could run.  He didn't growl or try to move. He stared at me and I stared back. Neither one of us knew what to expect from the other one. I hobble back to the house and yell for Tommy. I tell him to come quick we have a sick coyote in our garage. Tommy looked at me like I had just grown a third ear. Then I grab my camera. Tommy wanted to know why the hell I was taking my camera to the hospital. I told him I wasn't but I wanted to get a photo of the coyote in our garage.

 Tommy just shook his head. We get the picture and my wazoo in the car and we drive to Fulton to the Emergency Room. I was the only person there and was admitted as soon as I showed my insurance card. Everyone was super nice. We laughed a lot. Humor helps with pain if the situation isn't too serious. In about 30 minutes the toenail was off and I was ready to go home. Tami, Jacy, and Logan were waiting for us as we walked out the door. They followed us home and made our day. 
 I am so glad I married Tommy. We fit and belong together. For about two hours Tommy was taking care of me. His appearance changed and he looked like my Tommy again. It was worth losing a toenail.  When we got home the coyote was gone. Where I have no clue. How did he move? I have no clue. Maybe it was God showing off--he does that from time to time. It is a gentle reminder that He is in charge and has things under control. I am counting on that fact. The coyote could have been a reminder. I hope he is well wherever he is.

I Should Have Been Born Two Hundred Years Ago. . Although I Wouldn't Swear to It...

 I am not satisfied with life in general and the world in particular. Big deal--who is? I am sure there are a lot of dead people who would trade places with me in a heartbeat...literally. Very few people I know are satisfied with where they live, their job or lack of a job. Many are worried about their health or the health of a loved one. People are homeless, hungry and desperate. Countries are at war and have been for years. Our children are no longer safe in schools. Anyone can walk in and commit random murder on children just because they want to do this. None of these truths are new. The world has always been a mess and a dangerous place to live. Now we have twenty-four hour a day access to the world we live in on our computers or television. We see the carnage, we hear the people scream and die or scream and kill. It is all right there with a touch of the remote control... in living color.
   Tommy and I were talking about what era we would have liked to have been born in. Tommy said he would have liked to lived when the Pony Express was created. I can see him doing this. I would have wanted to make the wagon train trip to Oregon. Tommy cannot see me doing this but I can. He said I would have been kicked off the train the first time it rained for a week and I had to push the wagon. He has a point. Not a very nice one but he does have a point. I think there could be a distinct possibility this unfortunate incident could have been discussed. However, I would have made the trip. My wagon may have been moved to the end of the line but I would have still made it. Both eras we liked were filled with violence, sickness, Indian attacks, rustlers, robbers and just about anything a person's imagination can create, could have happened. It was as violent then as it is now. Maybe more so. There were no news channels running twenty four hours a day to show the world at its worst
   When I unplug from the world, I calm down and relax for a little while. All the people who lived before us did not need this luxury. They did not know what was going on in every area of the earth. News traveled much slower then if at all. We can know what is going on in China with the flick of a switch.
 Our life span is longer. Most people were wore out, old or dead by the age of forty five. 
   Life breeds life. We live longer and I think we have moments of pure bliss, followed by all Hell breaking loose. The same as all who came before us. This cycle will keep repeating itself until someone finally destroy's us all. What a cheery place to end my thoughts tonight. Sorry about that my friends but I believe this is one of those truths none of us want to hear or see.

This Week Could Have Been a Scene from an Alfred Hitchcock Movie. . . Day 1

 This has been an insane week. Starting on Monday, the Hounds of Hell began yelping; and they have yet to shut up! Tommy had a doctor's appointment at Boone Hospital. His arrival was 1 p.m. The procedure for endoscopy of his pancreas was scheduled for 1:30. These procedures seldom last more than a couple of hours maximum. We are sitting in the waiting room listening for Tommy's name to be called. 1:30 arrives and leaves. So does 2:30. I become a little antsy. I take a walk and try and find a nurse. Last words Tommy says is, 'don't get in any trouble.' Like I would!. I mosey on back to the patient care area and there is no one in sight. Not one nurse, not one patient, not one janitor. I come back to the waiting room and ask Tommy if he is sure we are at the right place. He is positive we are at the right place. By then two other women have arrived and are in various stages of crying. I ask them if I can help and they said in unison "No, but thank you".  I tell them if they need me I am on the other side of the room divider. Finally, I walk back to our side of the waiting area and Tommy is dozing. I pick up a 2015 magazine and try to find something I haven't already read. It was no use. My mind was far from India and Peru. About this time a nurse comes up to us and asks us to follow her back to the room where we will meet the doctor and he will explain some things to us.    Alright!!!, we are about to get this show on the road. Tommy is given a gown and two hours later the doctor shows up.The doctor said he was running late because of emergencies, but that hopefully, he would be with us soon.  Keep in mind Tommy had been NPO since midnight and he is diabetic. It is close to 4 p.m. We sit in two comfortable chairs and drop off to sleep. I wake up at 5:30 p.m. The parking lot has lost three-fourths of the cars that were parked there earlier in the day. All of the dusk to dawn lights are on. The apartments across the street have a few lights randomly shining. No one is walking around in the houses or the parking lot. I get a creepy feeling something is wrong. That is when I decide to take another walk. Once again there is dead silence. There are no secretaries, no nurses, no doctors, and the janitor still hasn't shown up.I turn and walk down the other hallway. It is as empty as our hallway appears to be. Finally, I reach a room with a light on and there sit the two ladies who were crying earlier. Without thinking I blurt out, "Thank God you are here!! I thought the rapture had happened and we missed it.!!!"  They started laughing and said, "Well, I hope not" One of the ladies informed me her husband was the reason everything was screwed up. He had not eaten anything in three weeks. He could drink fluids but he was in so much pain they brought him to the hospital. Evidentally, he didn't want to come but they told him if he didn't he would die! I sat down with the ladies. Of course, we start talking about our husbands. One of the ladies said," My husband has been so sick and refused to come to the dr. He thought the drive was too far. They live down at the Lake of the Ozarks. She began to cry again. I told her that when mine talked to the doctor he seldom gets anything right. She gave me a knowing laugh. I apologize to her for the remark about the Rapture. She started laughing and said," That is the funniest thing I have heard in weeks! And I desperately needed to laugh. Just wait until I tell our church family about it, everyone will get a good laugh." I bet Tommy and I are on their prayer list. About this time, my stomach growls sounding like a herd of turtles marching across a gravel road. The lady asked me if I had eaten anything. I told her no because he was NPO and I don't like to leave when he is having a procedure done. She said, 'all I have left is an oatmeal cookie. But you can have that. I grabbed it and said,"Thank you", about a million times. It was the best oatmeal cookie Little Debbie had made or I have ever eaten. I heard someone singing sort of and I walked around the corner to see the janitor peeing in the urinal while blasting away on,"Amazing Grace". I tiptoed back and made a slow dash for my room to wait for Tommy. About ten minutes later the janitor pushed his cart down the hall singing,"Thank You, Jesus". By now it has started to rain...as in pouring down hard, heavy rain. I am the designated driver because Tommy will be loopy and I have night blindness. I can't see anything when I drive at night and Tommy will be just this side of drunk. It is raining very hard by the time Tommy is able to leave the hospital. It is after 9 p.m. and an hour drive in good weather. He was not a happy camper with my driving but he really didn't want to walk. We made it home. We needed to get up early the next morning and go back to the VA for a blood draw and another procedure. The dr. ordered a CMP lab work up in two days. Thank God he did. To be continued...

The Pissy Mood of a Blessed Woman. . .

   This lady is in a really pissy mood tonight. Don't let the photo to left fool you. If you saw her this minute, you would wonder how it is possible the happy lady in the photo can be so sad. It was made the same day she started this blog.  The happy lady doesn't know the answer, however, she is sad for sure. She knows life is full of unanswered questions. That is part of being human. We are not built to know the way the story ends. Why would we ever want to know? Few people read the end of a much anticipated book before they read the beginning. If we knew the ending how could we ever enjoy the adventure of the book to its fullest? We couldn't. It is the same truth in being alive. Never take for granted a long amazing drive to destinations unknown. Perhaps if we did, we would no longer value the bits of magic life offers at unusual random times. They would become something ordinary or something we expect or think we deserve. It would be so sad for a moonlight walk on the beach to become mundane. I would hate for kisses to hurt or a hug to cause my loved one to wince in pain. I want many more adventures before we arrive at our final destination. I want to laugh until I cry tears of joy. Most of all, I want Tommy to be well and pain-free.  And that my friend is the one thing I cannot fix.