It is no secret that my mind is working less than perfect. Whatever professional people consider 'normal'. I happen to be a tad off. I have been assured that all of this will settle down and I will be fine with drugs, therapy, time and as the grieving process becomes less severe as time supposedly heals my broken heart. We shall see. I hope with all of my being they are right.
Yesterday started out a normal day. I was drinking coffee and enjoying the newspaper when I happened to remember that I needed to cancel my October's dr. appointment since I was going to be in Oregon. I called the nurse. canceled the appointment and made another one. No big deal until I look at the biggest calendar I could purchase laying on my kitchen table. It has become my lifeline where I write everything I have to do for that day and for the weeks ahead. I have birthday's, dr. appointments and enjoyable things I want to do but are farther down the road in time and I don't want to forget them. Imagine my surprise when I see it is July. I thought for a few minutes it was October. As far as I can remember, I have not had one 'July' day. I don't know what I have against the month of July but I have fought its existence all month. The month is nearly over and I have yet to get one thing right about July. It has not existed for me. That is about the time I remember canceling October's doctor appointment. I thought the appointment was next week. I knew I had to have that one. And my brain shuts down. In my mind when this happens, it is like trying to walk through a field knee-deep in mud, I can't keep my boots on because the mud sucks the boots off. I can't walk in the mud because there is no bottom where the mud stops. I panic because in my mind I have to be somewhere fast or something bad is gonna happen. Then everything gets all mixed up and I can't think of anything. It doesn't last long but it seems like an eternity to me. If I get my breathing under control, stop crying and breath then the muddy bubble will disappear, I will be better. It doesn't happen every day. I may have two or three 'normal days' and the Bam, I am right back to not knowing what I am supposed to be doing, It is the scariest thing I have ever gone through. It is tied up with Tommy's death, his horrible three years of being sick, my unexpected cancer surgery two weeks after he died, The doctors think that it may have something to do with the anesthesia they used for my surgery. They aren't sure how long this could affect the memory in older patients. It has been reported that this is not unusual for older people!!! And that is another thing...I do not feel old! In my mind, I am about 40. My knees and right hip disagree with that but that is their problem. One thing at a time. Right now my brain doesn't feel forty. Big deal...it doesn't know it is July either!!!
I have lived a sheltered life. As a new widow, I have found mundane things that I encounter to be as foreign as walking on the moon.
For instance, right after Tommy passed away, Lisa and I were in town on one of many trips to take care of some personal business. We were hungry and stopped at a restaurant to eat. Neither one of us paid any attention to a sign behind the counter that said, "We Only Take Cash or a Check". I had neither the cash or my checkbook with me. I usually pay my bill with my debit card.
We ordered our meal and it was delicious. Lisa proceeded to go to the bathroom and I walked up to the cash register and handed the man my debit card and bill. He is from Ukraine, I think, and in slightly broken Engish he explained the new rules to me. I looked at him and explained that I had neither enough cash or my checkbook with me. He smiled and said, "No problem, you can use the ATM machine." Hmmmm, I have never once in my life used an ATM machine. I walk over to the wall where the machine is and I look at it for a few minutes. I really did not know how to use it. I look at the man behind the counter and told him I needed help. He informed me that 'he could not help me'. That is when I informed him that we had a small problem. He informed me that "I had a problem". We looked at each other while I stifled the urge to walk over and hit him over the head with the cash register. I had a vivid picture of this in my mind's eye... in living color. However, jail did not seem to be the appropriate place I wanted to mourn, although I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, Tommy would have thought that was funny.
I turned around to the ATM machine. I thought I read the directions although they are vague. I think I must be one of the few people who had never used one. The ATM machine did not care. I tried to go through the proper steps and about that time my mind checked out because I was getting upset. I went totally blank. Could not process one coherent thought. This is what my brain does since Tommy has died. The doctors say it is the way the brain is protecting my mind when I get overwhelmed with life. They assure me I will be fine in time. However, my Ukrainian friend did not know this and he wanted his money. Thank God, about this time Lisa shows up and takes over. She knows how to use the ATM and she got our bill paid. The cashier was laughing. I asked him why he didn't come help me? He informed me I should have read the sign or use the ATM machine. He told me to have a good day. The church lady in me failed to show up before I flipped him off and marched out the door...never to return again. I still do not know how to use the ATM but I will...it is on the list right behind...stop letting your middle finger talk. I think I may have to tape that puppy down for awhile.
I am having a terrible amount of trouble getting anywhere on time. I am not exaggerating when I say my mind is full of memories. I can't remember squat in the present.
I have always been a dreamer but this is getting ridiculous. I never liked playing in left field.
I am attending on Tuesday morning a Women's Prayer group. It is a wonderful time of healing, except after five visits, I still do not know any of their names. I told them at the beginning how my life and memory happens to be right now. They understand.
Last Wednesday night I was going to church. I got it in my head it started at 7 p.m. I looked at my watch and it said 7:05. I live close to the church so I could be there in 5 minutes. Imagine my surprise when I get there and there are no cars. I saunter into the church and there was one young man in the room. I said is church starting late. He told me "No it starts at 6:30...you missed it". Last week I made it on time. I simply forgot what time I was supposed to be there this week.
Sunday morning I go to Sunday school and I am 10 minutes late. I crack open the door just a little bit and announce that I am late. Everyone started laughing as I walked through the door explaining what all is going on with me. I love that group of people---whoever they are.
My doctor assures me that this is normal for someone who has been through all that I have in a short period of time. He is confident I will be normal as soon as my mind and brain have had time to heal. That makes me feel better---I only wish I could remember his name too. Thank goodness I have his card.
P.S. I will also straighten up Willie Nelson as soon as I finish this blog. I swear it looked straight when I hung it!!!
It is no secret that my mind is working less than perfect. Whatever professional people consider 'normal'. I happen to be a tad off. I have been assured that all of this will settle down and I will be fine with drugs, therapy, time and as the grieving process becomes less severe as time supposedly heals my broken heart. We shall see. I hope with all of my being they are right. 
