The Things that Happen When I Least Expect Them...

It is no secret that my mind is working less than perfect. Whatever professional people consider 'normal'. I happen to be a tad off.  I have been assured that all of this will settle down and I will be fine with drugs, therapy, time and as the grieving process becomes less severe as time supposedly heals my broken heart. We shall see. I hope with all of my being they are right. 

Yesterday started out a normal day. I was drinking coffee and enjoying the newspaper when I happened to remember that I needed to cancel my October's dr. appointment since I was going to be in Oregon.  I called the nurse. canceled the appointment and made another one.  No big deal until I look at the biggest calendar I could purchase laying on my kitchen table. It has become my lifeline where I  write everything I have to do for that day and for the weeks ahead. I have birthday's,  dr. appointments and enjoyable things I want to do but are farther down the road in time and I don't want to forget them. Imagine my surprise when I see it is July. I thought for a few minutes it was October. As far as I can remember, I have not had one 'July' day.  I don't know what I have against the month of July but I have fought its existence all month. The month is nearly over and I have yet to get one thing right about July.  It has not existed for me. That is about the time I remember canceling October's doctor appointment. I thought the appointment was next week.  I knew I had to have that one. And my brain shuts down. In my mind when this happens, it is like trying to walk through a field knee-deep in mud, I can't keep my boots on because the mud sucks the boots off.  I can't walk in the mud because there is no bottom where the mud stops. I panic because in my mind I have to be somewhere fast or something bad is gonna happen.  Then everything gets all mixed up and I can't think of anything. It doesn't last long but it seems like an eternity to me. If I get my breathing under control, stop crying and breath then the muddy bubble will disappear,  I will be better.  It doesn't happen every day. I may have two or three 'normal days' and the Bam, I am right back to not knowing what I am supposed to be doing,  It is the scariest thing I have ever gone through.  It is tied up with Tommy's death, his horrible three years of being sick, my unexpected cancer surgery two weeks after he died, The doctors think that it may have something to do with the anesthesia they used for my surgery. They aren't sure how long this could affect the memory in older patients.  It has been reported that this is not unusual for older people!!!  And that is another thing...I do not feel old!  In my mind, I am about 40. My knees and right hip disagree with that but that is their problem. One thing at a time. Right now my brain doesn't feel forty.  Big deal...it doesn't know it is July either!!!