Last Sunday was Super Bowl Sunday. Tommy and I decided we would watch the game, eat pizza and celebrate the day along with over 140 million other people, give or take a few million.
I am a Bronco's and a Chief's fan. Tommy likes Tampa Bay and Green Bay so we really didn't have a team in this game. I had watched the Falcons play in the playoffs and I was pretty sure they would beat the Patriots. They were fast and hungry for the win. The Patriots had won four Super Bowl games and I thought it was time for some new blood in the trophy room. We picked our teams, just like we pick our horses in the Kentucky Derby, and we were ready for the game to begin. I picked Atlanta and Tommy went with the Patriots. The popcorn was dished up and we were ready to be entertained. The pizza and beer was waiting in the kitchen.
From the first kick off, the Falcons were playing their A-Game. Tom Brady was sacked three times. I almost switched teams because I hated to see Brady get pounded. Everything went wrong. If he threw long, it was intercepted. He was completely taken out of his game. Tommy and I could not believe what we were watching. Then came half time. The Falcon's led 21-3. We were speechless. Lady Gaga's performance was great. The crowd roared in appreciation. We liked most of the new commercials. In fact, we were enjoying ourselves. We were reliving the first half and second guessing all the bad and good plays.
About this time my new knees started in on what I call the "walkies". Starting between 6:30 and 8:30 p.m. my knees are ready to go to bed. They can not be still. They need to walk, stretch and lay down. Once in bed, it takes thirty minutes for them to find a place that does not ache. It does not matter what the rest of my body wants to do. For the time being these two are calling the shots. I have started taking a sleeping pill as soon as the 'walkies' show up. About thirty minutes after
I take the pill I am ready to go to bed. I took it as the third quarter started.
The Falcon's were 28-3 with under three minutes left in the third quarter. My eye lids got heavy. I decided to go to bed. After all who comes back to win a Super Bowl game when they are down by 21 points going into the fourth quarter? As far as I was concerned the sleeping pill won and so did the Falcons and we went to bed.
The next morning I made coffee and turned on the news to see the final score. Imagine my surprise when I find out the final score was 34-28 and the Patriots had won!!! I was beside myself with flabbergasted unbelief. I yelled for Tommy. He was as surprised as I was. His team won!!
Without a doubt we missed the best fourth quarter in the the history of football. Oh we watched it as it was replayed over and over the next day. But nothing takes the place of seeing it as history is being made. The Patriot's won and it was amazing. Tom Brady marched through Atalanta much like Sherman did 152 years ago when he made his march through Atlanta. He was on fire and Brady lit that stadium up!! While I slept thinking Atlanta had won. Hmmmm.....
When I had a double knee replacement I had several rough days. However, not everything that happened in the hospital was a bad memory by any means. I had a supportive family and friends who were there regardless of the weather or obligations.
One of my best friends, Becky Doerflinger, came to visit me twice while I was in the hospital. The second time Becky visited was two days after my drug allergic psychosis. I was better by then but not 100%. Becky knew nothing about what had happened and that was the way I wanted it.
Becky and I met at the mental hospital where we both worked back in 1999. We hit it off immediately. We both shared a love of art, writing, and a great sense of humor. In my opinion, Becky could have easily walked off the page of a Charlotte Bronte novel or poem. She is a person blessed with an 'old soul'. She can transport people to other times and places with the whim of a good idea. I think that is a rare quality few people have. Those who have it and share their uniqueness with others are blessed in a thousand different ways. Becky's old soul has made my life better many times.
Since we both worked 11-7 shift and had different days off; it was not unusual for Becky to call me at 1:30 a.m. and want to know if I would like to come out to her house for a tea party on my 2 a.m. break.
Becky reintroduced me to tea parties as an adult. She also helped bring back the magic I enjoyed as a little girl when I created fairy gardens all over my grandmother's back yard and had tea parties of my own with the faeries. I always jumped at the chance to spend my break at Becky's house. It was a great stress reliever. Each party was different. Never once did we have two parties with the same theme. My favorite party was held outside her home in her flower garden. It was early summer. She had lights scattered all over her beautiful yard. The smell of roses, lilacs, peonies, and flowers I never knew the names filled the air with a rich aroma of Mother Nature. There was a full moon and the added light was the perfect touch. A full moon in a mental hospital is usually anything but 'perfect'. More fights happen during a full moon than at any other time. Everyone is restless, including the staff. To be able to walk into another environment was wonderful and a great escape. I could feel the anxiety leave as I walked toward the garden.
Becky had a table set with a white lace tablecloth covering it from one end to the other. Candles were scattered among the dishes on the table. The teapot was sitting close to where Becky would serve. Small sandwiches and little cakes nestled in the midst of tea cups, plates and napkins. Everything was delicious and it was such fun to laugh and talk about things that did not matter. Usually she had a radio playing. I could stay about forty minutes. That forty minutes changed my night. I would return to work in a better mood and with a touch of magic on my shoulder. When you work in a mental hospital for the criminally insane, a touch of magic on the shoulder is always a plus.
While I was in the hospital recently, Becky came in one night pushing a cart filled with glass cups,china plates, knives, forks and the most beautiful teapot I had ever seen. She was laughing and so happy. I was scared crazy. I still thought I was on a locked ward and everything Becky had with her was against the rules. We were in deep dodo!! While I was glad to see her, I kept asking her if she had permission to do this. She assured me everything was fine. I kept having flashbacks when the ward resembled the "Killing Fields" a few days ago.
Becky poured the tea and I picked up a beautiful Christmas cookie. I had no appetite. Looking at food made me sick to my stomach. I drank the tea but did not touch the cookie. That in itself tells how sick I was because I never pass on a pretty cookie!
I kept questioning Becky about the china and knives. I knew we were about to be locked in seclusion if a nurse walked in. Finally I told Becky what had happened. She was surprised to hear what I had to say but she understood completely. She had seen it before. We had a good long talk and then she gave me the teapot. In a few months she will be moving to California and she wanted me to have it. It has a special place in my mother's china cabinet. Maybe some day I can have a tea party for my grandchildren.
All summer and fall I read everything I could get my hands on concerning my soon to be bilateral knee replacement surgery. I was sure there was nothing left to chance and I was as prepared as anyone could be for the operation. It was scheduled for Wednesday Dec.14,2016. I was sooo wrong.
Luckily, I was the first patient on the docket and for the next four days I knew nothing. Tommy and Tami said I woke up some and talked to them but I do not remember anything.
On the fifth day I was discharged to a rehab center. I vaguely remember the ride over and entering the facility. I had been taking a large amount of drugs to keep the pain at bay. Somewhere in those five days, the medicine became too strong for me and I began to hallucinate. I could no longer tell what was real and what was not. I didn't tell anyone because I did not know what was going on. Hallucinations became my new normal.
Tommy stayed with me during the day. Tami was in and out all the time. I trusted them but wouldn't tell them anything. I was afraid someone would hear what I was saying. I had no plan and could not stay awake long enough to make a plan. I swore the staff was not feeding me. Later I found out they were, I just refused to eat.
My room was across from the nurses station so I could hear everything that was NOT being said. I knew they had a hidden intercom in my room. I could hear it click off and on.They were listening to me. That was when I became quite and covered my head under my blankets. I needed to be invisible. Eventually, I cracked my door open, or thought I did, and saw an entire new staff working. I have a vivid picture of each person that 'worked' that night and none of them existed. I remember their voices, their laughs and yet not one person existed except in my mind. I heard the screams as people were beaten and raped. I heard the man next door beg for his life. I also heard when he died.
At 4 a.m. I called Tommy at home and asked him to come get me. He was awake and answered on the second ring. He said he felt all night something was wrong with me. He begged me to tell him what was going on. I said I would tell him when he got here and then mentioned people had been murdered and raped and he needed to be careful once he arrived. He was speechless. The ice covered roads were horrible and it took him twice as long to get to the hospital. I heard staff talking about the dead bodies. One man said there were at least two. The nurse said,"Don't worry, I will take care of everything."
Eventually the night ended. The sun began to rise and shine through my bedroom window. For the first time all night, I thought I would live.
When the charge nurse and Tommy walked through my door I literally crawled up Tommy. He held me so tight and just let me cry. He wanted to know what had happened to me. I was whispering in his ear that I couldn't talk while the nurse was in the room with us. "She was one of them!"
The nurse kept trying to find out what was going on. Apparently, during the night I also called someone and told them I wanted to be discharged in the morning. I have no clue if this is true or not. Anyway, I kept Tommy between me and the nurse and refused to say anything. We looked like we were playing an awkward game of 'Ring around the Roses' or 'Keep Away.'
Finally the nurse left to call the doctor and they decided to cut my medication in half. I would only take it on a PRN basis. The less medication I took, the clearer my mind became. However, my hallucinations seemed so real. Most of what happened I can't remember in detail but it is still in there somewhere; like a shadow, close but just out of reach; dark and out of proportion.
I talked to several people about what happened to me and about how real it felt, even though I knew it was the medication -it felt real. I saw the people and I heard the voices. Nurses talked to me and explained that not everyone can take the same medication. What happened to me is fairly common. The patient just has to ride the trip out. It took me about three days for the medication to leave my system. Slowly, I began to piece some of my hallucinations and reality into a viable answer. The 'poolroom' and nightly drug deals turned out to be aides stacking chairs for the next morning. I wasn't hearing a break in the balls on the nonexistent pool table as fights broke out over drugs. Things returned to normal in my mind.
I worked with the criminally insane for over twenty years. I sat with patients who were terrified of the demons who lunged at them in the dark. The staff took care of each and every patient as best we could. Their demons were real to them and no amount of medication could make them leave. At times it would let them sleep but when they woke up they were back in the same mess.I have a new empathy for these unfortunate people. It would be horrible to loose permanent touch with reality. Some patients recovered enough to return to the community, others will never leave their walled environment.
I remember when I worked at the hospital, I always was checking to make sure I had my keys. That is also one of the things I kept doing while I was hallucinating, I kept trying to find my keys. I had no pockets and was not on a locked ward. But in my mind I was. I was in rehab for knee surgery. So were most people in my section of the center. Thank God for that.
I made it home for Christmas Eve. I am doing great. I continue to go to physical therapy at a closer facility. I can walk on my own and am healing nicely. Thank you all for the cards, flowers and prayers.
Today is one of those days when I wish I had a different personality. I wish I was one of those laid back people who can actually make themselves not think or worry about things they cannot change or control. These are the very things that drive me nuts!! I envy people who can compartmentalize their brains. Most of them remind me of Scarlet O'Hara. They will just worry about it tomorrow, if then. I married one of those types of people. For us it is probably a good thing. Opposites bring balance and often a need for Xanax.
Me?? I am like the proverbial dog with a bone, I chew and chew on it until the bone is bare. Then I go bury it in the backyard and after a day or two I dig it up again and chew some more. Then I will drag it around just to make sure I know where the darn bone is at all times. My brain is never 'compartmentalized'. It is an ongoing cluster smuck on a good day. On a bad day it remains a cluster smuck. Only this time it worries and obsesses non stop. Oh the joy!!!
I am set for surgery on Wednesday. They will call me Tuesday after 3 to tell me what time to be there. I have taken all the classes, done the tests for heart, blood and whatever else they are looking for. The only thing I didn't do was donate some of my blood but no one told me to. My final doctor was a little ticked off but said they forget this all the time. So if I need blood I will get it from the blood bank. The only other time I have had blood transfusions was when I was a little girl and got very sick in the second grade. I needed three transfusions of O positive blood. Granddaddy had given so much blood to others they wouldn't let him donate to me. However, Jimmy Wilmouth donated the blood. He was such a sweet man. Every time he saw me he would laugh and say, "He was just checking on his blood and I was looking like I was taking good care of it." He always made me laugh. Clinton, Ky. is full of good men and women. Many of them made lasting impressions on my life. It was a good place to grow up.
So back to my mission. I needed to talk to my doctor and find out if he wants an ex-ray of my mouth. A friend told me this weekend that I needed this. They refused to operate on him until he has it done. I am leaning toward just getting the darn ex-ray and take it to my doctor Wednesday, just in case. Tommy disagrees. He thinks it is nothing and I should talk to the doctor...back to Scarlet. Soooo I have been calling my doctor office every five minutes and it has been busy every single time. It is a huge place and there are many doctors and more patients. Evidently, I am not the only one who wants to talk to a doctor at this facility, because the phone has been busy since they opened at 8 a.m. I know this for a fact because I was on the phone at 8:02. Someone beat me to the call.
Tommy and Jody left to get something for Jody's wood burning stove. I called my dentist in Fulton and have an appointment to have teeth x-rayed 11:30 Tues. and they will fax the info to my dr. If my dr. calls and says I don't need it I will call and cancel my x-ray. First easy breath I have had this weekend. It helps to have a plan B. Mind relieved.
I originally wanted to name my blog "Plan B" It fit my life perfectly, however some other worry wort claimed it first. Such is life. Hopefully, nothing pops up to stop my surgery on Wed. I think we have it covered. Fingers crossed---much love to all.
It is that time of year when Elvis, Martina and I put up our Christmas tree. Tommy doesn't want any part of decorating the tree. I understand and that is alright by me. I put on my favorite CD's, make fudge and think of all the Christmas' past. There is a memory for every thing on our tree.
Tommy bought me this tree last year. Without a decoration on it, it is beautiful. In fact last year I didn't decorate it. Tommy was sick with the shingles and there was no Christmas spirit. Instead we enjoyed the beauty of the tree itself. However when 2016 rolled around, after two days I decided I wanted our story displayed on the tree again. Every ornament on our tree is a memory of some part of our life.
We have three decorations from our Christmas wedding that are always close to the top. Actually, every year the angel goes on first then our wedding decorations are randomly added next.
Beneath the wedding bells and Christmas balls, is Tami's first baby bottle.
The little red Christmas stocking to the left is 45 years old and was the only new ornament on our first Christmas tree. We were living in Yuma, Arizona while Tommy finished his last two years in the Marine Corps. We were pregnant and so broke. We bought a small artificial tree about two feet tall and sat it on top of our black and white television. We also bought a Christmas boot for our baby. We thought it was the prettiest tree we had ever seen. The bassinet was located by the t.v. and was filled with baby gifts from Mama and Daddy and family back home. We were excited and extremely nervous. Lisa was due on Jan. 4th and I had no idea what to do with a newborn baby; but that is another story.
As we move down the tree we find
Lisa's Christmas Santa that was added when she was almost two. We were living in Marietta, Georgia and she had a kidney infection with 105 degree fever. We were terrified. The doctors performed a small bladder surgery and she was fine in a few days. We purchased this Santa Clause as soon as she came out of surgery.
When Melodi was small she added a dragon to the tree. It always goes close to the top as if it wanted to eat a chunk out of the tree.
This is Jacy's first ballerina shoes. She was about three when she took classes for awhile. She was such a little doll.
Logan's baby bottle is added. Now all we need is something for Rowan, Lacey and Lisle and we are all there somewhere on the tree. The rest of the tree is decorated with souvenirs from all our adventures. We have moose and wolves from Alaska. Starfish we found in Florida, and 40 million memories that would take to long to describe. Mama is there and I have a Christmas bell from Mamamae and Granddaddy's tree. It is priceless to me. In fact it is probably older than I am.
While the tree is full, we still have a lot of places to go and things to do on our bucket list. Have a Happy Thanksgiving and a wonderful Christmas. Much love to all. . .
Transplanting volunteer cherry tomato plants never entered my mind when I woke up this morning. Seven hours later that is exactly what I was doing.
Tommy and I worked long and hard yesterday. Today was to be a laid back sort of Sunday. That is pretty close to what we had. The things we did were small chores we wanted to check off our 'to do list' before I have knee surgery in December.
We built a hand railing for the steps in the laundry room. That took about an hour. While in there I did several loads of laundry. Tommy was outside piddling in the garage, when he yelled for me to make a pot of coffee and come outside. He wanted a fire in the fire pit and some company. We stayed out there all afternoon. Conservation was sparse. Both of us were lost in watching the fire and our own thoughts. The coffee was good and the sky was perfect for cloud watching.
This was my favorite cloud of the day. It morphed back and forth between a dragon and a mermaid with hair three miles long.
While I was thinking about dragons and mermaids, Tommy spotted volunteer cherry tomato plants growing all over the back yard. They erupted everywhere a rotten or split tomato had been thrown. I couldn't believe it. Some of the plants had blooms on them and one plant had two cherry tomatoes that will be eaten soon.
I am not a high maintenance kind of person. It never did take much to make me happy; finding these little tomato plants all over the back yard did just that. . . they made me happy. I dug up three plants and re-potted them so I could watch them grow and perhaps enjoy some red cherry tomatoes later this winter. Right now they are living in the bedroom window of Logan's room. I checked on them first thing this morning and they seem to like their new surroundings. It was a good day in my neck of the woods. It took my mind off the election for about four hours. That was time well spent. I needed a break from the three ring circus we call politics.
The photo above was taken the other day while we were on a road trip in search of the prettiest tree in our part of the state. We took photos of trees from one end of our county to the other. As we made a right turn on this road, I got out of the car and had a 'Robert Frost Moment'. A line from his poem, "The Road Not Taken", slammed into my mind. The last verse,
"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
As I stood in the middle of the road, all I could think about was the comparison of this line of poetry and our nasty, foul election of 2016. I am sure Robert Frost would turn over in his grave at that thought. However, folks that is exactly where I was and where I am; six days away from the election. I am still at a crossroads concerning our Presidential candidates. I know who I am voting for unless something else happens between now and next Tuesday causing me not to vote at all. Am I happy about my decision? NO I AM NOT!! It is the best decision I can make out of this mess we have to choose from. I honestly think one candidate could possibly go to prison, the other one could be assassinated. How did we ever reach such a devilish place? Why would these thoughts ever come to mind in a normal election?
I have a hypothetical theory on this matter. While most of us in the United States were being good citizens, working, raising families and voting when it was election time. We did not dig deep enough into what went on in Washington D.C. Years ago we believed men and women sent to Congress, the White House and State positions had America's best interest at heart, even if we disagreed with some of their positions. However, we did not have the twenty four hour news coverage then that we do now. Most of us did not know how corrupt things were getting. We should have instead we let things slide. Unknowingly, we allowed lobbyists to gain power to buy and sell our elected leaders and their vote. Elected leaders became career politicians. Follow the money was what we overlooked until it was too late. Lobbyists are embedded now. We took the elected officials at their word. In the process they sold out our country to any and everyone around the world who could afford a piece of us. And now we are reaping the rewards of crooked politicians for the past sixty years or more.
What is so discouraging to me as an American, I really do not think our country can be fixed. And I love my country. I love the one I thought existed. I love the one that exists now. I am angry at us for letting America down. I love the Americans after 9-11. We were united for weeks following the attack on our country. I love the United States I believed in as a little girl. When good and bad, right and wrong were easier to identify. Now we live in a gray era. There are seven sides to every question. Political Correctness is an insane idea. Truth has become rubberized. It can be stretched in any and every direction until it looses its shape and tears apart. We often forget what the truth was about.
When I was a little girl, I went to church all the time. I remember getting scared every time the minister preached from the book of Revelations. I always wanted to know why the United States wasn't mentioned. Now I think it is because by the time Revelations is fulfilled the United States as we know it, will not exist. That thought scares me and makes me sick but I believe it. With all my heart I hope I am wrong. I am wrong a lot... I hope I am this time too.
Perhaps, if we as American citizens had paid more attention to what was going on in Washington D.C. things would not be in this mess. Perhaps if we had demanded more of our elected leaders to follow the constitution, or decided that it is a terrible idea to have a Supreme Court Justice sit on the bench for life. Perhaps the President's right to use his pen and write Executive Orders should be taken away. Perhaps American's should have taken to the streets all across the United States when Benghazi happened and when the Iran deal was made. Perhaps we should have stayed in those streets until the right thing was done. Perhaps if we had taken a different road we would not be in the mess we are today. Perhaps, but we will never know for sure because we didn't take the road less traveled. Instead we played a loosing game called, 'Follow the Leader.'
God bless and protect our military. Sooner or later they will have to pay for all the 'pay to play' crap, and the poor decisions made by men and women who knew better but did not care. And that my friends is a crying shame.
