Daddy had a hard life. He did not know how to get beyond his own hurts and demons. Because of these facts and feelings, I became his own personal scapegoat. It is very possible he saw so much of him in me that he did not like me because of what he was seeing. I am a lot like Daddy. I have his sense of humor, his height and his nose. I am thankful for the sense of humor...the other two are debatable.
My thought process was completely different than his used to be. I questioned things. This enraged him. He demanded blind obedience; a quality I despised. The phrase "Do as I say not as I do" was the motto at my home. This phrase still sends a chill down my spine. I can not live happily wrapped in an iron hand. It smothers me and makes me afraid.
I only had to live with Daddy for 9 years. Then my sentence was commuted and I was once again free. However, those 9 years shaped the way I usually saw myself. He was my hand mirror and self doubt was my nemeses. The reflection I saw in the mirror was warped and a view through his eyes. "You aren't much but you are all I have" did nothing to make me feel of value.
43 years later, I still hear those words and words much worse. They echo in my mind during the day and visit me at night when I try to sleep. I am tired of feeling the way I do.
I am turning my situation with Daddy over to Jesus, who happens to love both of us. I want the rest of my life to be lived wholly, unafraid and with a purpose. The past is dead and gone. From now on when I write about Daddy, if I ever do, it will be the good memories we shared and there were many of those. The good often gets lodged behind the horrible making it hard to see and remember. I am asking God for a clean slate with Daddy. I need to forgive him and move on. I have tried this many times and failed. There is a scripture in Psalms, I think, that says "Give God your broken heart and He will make it whole." That is what I am doing today. I look forward to the recovery and what God has in store for me.
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