Why Men Do Not Have Babies

My husband had to have a colonoscopy today.  We have known this day was coming for a month.  He had his instructions, medication, more instructions and was ready to go...a month ago.  However, we had read the instructions then, and it was fresh in our mind. We knew what to do.   A lot had happened in a month and truthfully, we forgot exactly what the directions said.  Hence, the need to reread them.

Wednesday morning I asked Tommy to reread the directions and to let me reread them.  He hummed and hawed around and finally said, "I will look at them later---I know exactly what to do, so don't you get all worried about it. I have it under control."  In other words leave me alone and let me do it...so I did.  Or I did as long as I could stand it!!

About 7 p.m. that night, I asked again about us rereading the instructions.  He said he had already read them and knew exactly what to do.

Music to my ears.  As long as one of us knew for sure what to do---every thing should be fine.

Thursday morning we have toast and scrambled eggs for breakfast.  At noon a delicious fried bologna sandwich with fresh garden tomatoes and basil. Delicious.  Then about 6 p.m. we have grilled pork steak and tomatoes with Ritz crackers.  Dessert was a sugar free chocolate pie.  

I kept mentioning to Tommy that if memory served me right, he was supposed to be on a clear liquid diet the day before the test.  He said and I quote " I am doing fine---I ate some crackers at supper!!" I wanted to know when he was going to start drinking the "go lightly" we had chilling in the refrigerator.  He thought for a minute and said "4 a.m."

I also wondered where 4 a.m.originated.He informed me that the test was at 11a.m. and that would give him plenty of time to get his business done and still get some sleep.

I finally found the letter and he didn't do one thing like he was supposed to do.  Not One!!! He was supposed to be on a clear liquid diet Thursday. He didn't drink the medicine like he was supposed to either. The only thing he had right was the appointment time.

We are finally on the road and get to the V.A.  As he is checking in, the nurse asks him all sorts of questions and for a minute I thought he was going to lie.  He told her the truth, but in segments, putting a lot of emphasis on the fact that he" ate crackers."  The nurse wasn't happy with him at all. But I have to admit that Tommy can be one of the most charming men I have ever met when he needs to be.  And looking at that ticked off military nurse, he really needed to be charming and it worked. 

He talked in circles, told her about the last time he went fishing, talked about going on vacation---any and everything except what he had eaten.  I left and went to find me a seat.  He came out and said, "See that wasn't so bad"  I started laughing and said "I hope she isn't the one who does the procedure or you are in for BIG trouble." That remark made him a little nervous. 

I read a book, Kathy Lee Gifford was talking about sex on t.v. and the old gentleman who sat down beside me was trying really hard not to throw up....so was I.

Tommy was finally called back and I am told I have an hour or hour and a half to ramble around or go eat.  I decided to stay and" people watch".  A little boy about 8 throws a fit because he can't paint his race car.  The old man, who had been sitting beside me, finally threw up.  He was taken care of and I went to get a breath of fresh air.


When I returned there was a very rude young man at the desk giving the receptionists an extremely hard time. He kept getting louder and more obnoxious.  I remember thinking --- I wouldn't want to share a foxhole with him.


Another man and his wife got into a small skirmish over the economy and the fate of social security.  He was on oxygen and still drowned his wife out.

As I sat there thinking about the ordeal with Tommy and his misadventures, as well as the young hostile man at the desk who had evidently gotten his dates mixed up, plus the man on oxygen, who just liked to argue.  I got this "mini movie" of why men are not the ones God decided should have babies.

I don't know where these things come from, but the idea would not let me alone, until I wrote a spoof about men having babies. Here is the gist of my mini movie.....It all came from watching these 4 men in the waiting room.


First, most men do not ask for directions nor do they follow directions once they receive them.  These are important qualities to have if you are pregnant.


Second, a good majority of men loose track of time.  It would not be a good idea to be in a deer stand when your water breaks.


Third, there is no one who could ever make a man believe he was pregnant, even if it were possible.  He would argue the whole nine months---swearing it is gas.



Seriously, men and women are just wired differently... and that is a good thing.  We usually compliment each other in our short comings.  What is often missing in one partner will balance out in the other mate.  I think that may be one reason we are attracted to each other. We need what is missing in us--- plus the fact that the sex part is wonderful!!. Good job God!!
 

I mused over this little impossibility for about 30 minutes.  Soon the doors opened and Tommy and Nurse Ratchet walked out.  She looked at me and smiled saying,"He's fine---the pork steak didn't cause me any trouble at all"  I said a silent thank you and grabbed Tommy's hand.  I reminded him that I was supposed to drive.  As we were leaving the V.A. he said, "We'll see---"

Rule number 4----Men have NO common sense in a lot of situations, I don't think childbirth, a colonoscopy or a severe dog bite could make some men give up their car keys. Not my man anyway!!!!  If it can be arranged he will drive to his own funeral!!


I have to admit, my hat is off to the Good Lord, He sure called that one right...and am I ever glad. I also imagine every man would agree with me on this issue.  Although the "agreeing" part might hurt them just a little bit-----but not as much as childbirth!! 

I have had fun writing this bit of leakage from my mind's eye.  I am very thankful that Tommy is well and the tests turned out in his favor. I also encourage every man over 50 to get this test done. It could save your life.

The last words Tommy said to me before he went to sleep were, "I don't care what anyone says, I did that test right"  


I rest my case:)