Robin, This One is for You...

I was supposed to write this true story months ago and I didn't want to do it.  It is too personal;  more of me than I want to share on line, although I have a tendency to throw caution to the wind and tell my personal life all the way from conception of my children to death of family members.  Apparently there is no subject off limits for me.  However, this susbject was different. This is about my testimony. It gets down to my core, my vulnerability, my failures.  It is about meeting a force who is stronger than gravity, who loves unconditionally and forgives everything and anything. Nothing is too big for Him.

I was raised in a Methodist home, believing in a Creator, in God and in Jesus. I had my rebellious period and He reeled me back in, always sending someone, somewhere to make sure I got His message.  When I attended  a Pentecostal church for the first time, He scared the Hell out of me...literally.  All I knew for sure was that what ever He had, I needed but I was afraid.  He calmed those fears. Falling in love with Jesus was so easy, once I got out of my own way.  Having a personal relationship with Jesus is different than knowing about Him. It is almost like a marriage of the soul. I committed my life to Him but did not have the guts to live it fully. I did for awhile and then life got messy and mean and I caved. I committed spiritaul adultry...I walked away from Him.  I really thought I would die from guilt. I believe I almost did.

It was 1980, I had a husband, three daughters a home and I was very happy, however there was something missing. I felt disconnected inside. I needed help. Jesus reached out and touched me and like the song says, I have never been the same.

I have made a lot of mistakes and right now I am far from where I should be. To say we have "issues" would be putting it mildly.  I walked away from Him, almost like a cheating wife. I looked for what I needed in other people and things.  I am still having trouble getting back to where I should be. That is all on me.  I have no doubt it will all get straightened out. Once again I have my walking shoes on. I do not believe He will let me get too far away. I probably need to run to the end of myself and let Him take over. I think I am about there.

To make a long story shorter,  I will say that we were friends with a couple who also took their eye off of the Word and started living a lie. The end result was the death of their mentally ill son. He committed suicide  9 days before his 21st birthday or someone shot him. It was ruled suicide and I will leave it at that.

This couple loved Tommy, me and our family.  They bought their son to us after he had burned  his brain out on drugs. When they found him, he was sleeping in a mental hospital on a mat on the floor. They checked him out and left the state.  I really don't understand how they were able to do this legally but they did. I guess there were no charges against him and he was turned over to his family.  They threw his medicine away, believing God would heal him and they dropped him off at our home to live. He was catatonic by the time he got to our home.  He would literally lock up when he was eating and hold his fork in mid air for ages.  The same thing would happen when he walked across the room. He would freeze up. Tommy was laid off from work and I was working at the shoe factory.  Neither of us knew anything about mental illness. We were desperate, slowly  sliding into an abyss.

We prayed and he got worse. The young man  and Tommy slept on a mattress in the living room. He had to be watched continually.  Finally, his parents had him recommitted to a mental health facility.  His father could not stand the fact that his son was damaged mentally. Once again he was released into his parents custody.  His father became angry and resentful. We argued constantly. He kept saying that his son would be better off  "dead".  Our friendship became so strained that we refused to have anything to do with them. That is what used to eat me alive.  Regret. Did we do all we could?  Would he be alive if we hadn't closed the door on his family. I don't know.

I didn't know anything about depression then. Tommy and I both were depressed.  Guilt was killing me. Every day I would go to work and plan not to come home. I really don't know where I would have gone on $3.00 but that was my idiotic plan. I cried a lot. Tommy smoked a lot. Neither of us knew what to do.  Finally it was about a year later and  our lives were in a sad state. Tommy was still unemployed. Our family was strained to the max.  

I remember  I was washing dishes and silently crying.  The tears flowed down my cheeks. I remember saying, "God, I can't take this anymore. If you don't do something, I am going to die,  I just know it,"  And He did. 

The best way I can describe it is to say it was like He reached inside of me and scooped out all the guilt, fear,  regret and sorrow.  I could literally feel it disappear.  I believe He saved my life that night. Saved our marriage and healed our family...right there in the middle of my dirty little kitchen.

After all that one would think I would be a 'super christian'.  Far from it. I find myself in another mess of my own making and He is letting me stew.  It is my fault not His. Once again I walked away.

I have written all this to say what I believe. I believe there is a spot in all of us that belongs to Him. Nothing or no one can fill that spot. It is His and He will not share. He reaches across miles, centuries and the heavens and earth to get to someone who needs Him.   He always has and He will until the end of time. All we have to do is ask with sincerity. He will do the rest.